I've been looking for a way out. Does that make any sense?
When I go for walks and smell thousands of blooming honeysuckle mixed with the hot air, I feel ok. Otherwise it's mostly questions and not many answers. The answer is probably: stop asking questions and be present. Life is a complete mystery for me. I often wonder if I'm worse off without a belief in a god to buoy me. (Does anyone actually believe that shit though? More questions.) I often wonder at my resilience. I'm doing my best but there has been a continual "falling apart" for...a while. Life can't always be in that state. (Or is that what entropy means?) How will I handle Big Things, like my mom or cat or best friend dying? I keep reminding myself to break things into their smallest counterparts. One step at a time. Just like you'd hear at any AA meeting. So far it isn't really working but it brings me some small comfort. I just have to do the next thing. Not the thing that's 40 ahead of the next thing. It's a lot to ask of life for it to have meaning. I think this includes believing life is meaningless. I think wanting life to have meaning is failure to be fully present disguised as philosophy. I mostly stole those thoughts but upon hearing them they fit me. I guess I'm demanding answers anyway - this is how I was born and likely how I will die, yelling my loud opinion the entire time with no awareness of volume. I urgently need to know: that emptiness I carry around, do I just accept it? There's no filling it, right? No amount of spending time with people, habits ranging from productive to vice, will ever entirely address it. Right? As long as I resist that feeling, it will be more difficult to cope with. (In theory, though admittedly less scientific than particle theory or the like.) I need to know: are the blooming honeysuckle the best it ever gets? They're great, plenty even, but it isn't always late spring after a few months of rain. I want to say I'm happy to be here. That's the goal. But maybe for now, just "here" is enough.
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