I bled my colors dry
Colors just for me I know why grey birds fly away soft faces, you might not expect them to hope will sink you waiting for them to return outside, the clouds drift on
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I've been looking for a way out. Does that make any sense?
When I go for walks and smell thousands of blooming honeysuckle mixed with the hot air, I feel ok. Otherwise it's mostly questions and not many answers. The answer is probably: stop asking questions and be present. Life is a complete mystery for me. I often wonder if I'm worse off without a belief in a god to buoy me. (Does anyone actually believe that shit though? More questions.) I often wonder at my resilience. I'm doing my best but there has been a continual "falling apart" for...a while. Life can't always be in that state. (Or is that what entropy means?) How will I handle Big Things, like my mom or cat or best friend dying? I keep reminding myself to break things into their smallest counterparts. One step at a time. Just like you'd hear at any AA meeting. So far it isn't really working but it brings me some small comfort. I just have to do the next thing. Not the thing that's 40 ahead of the next thing. It's a lot to ask of life for it to have meaning. I think this includes believing life is meaningless. I think wanting life to have meaning is failure to be fully present disguised as philosophy. I mostly stole those thoughts but upon hearing them they fit me. I guess I'm demanding answers anyway - this is how I was born and likely how I will die, yelling my loud opinion the entire time with no awareness of volume. I urgently need to know: that emptiness I carry around, do I just accept it? There's no filling it, right? No amount of spending time with people, habits ranging from productive to vice, will ever entirely address it. Right? As long as I resist that feeling, it will be more difficult to cope with. (In theory, though admittedly less scientific than particle theory or the like.) I need to know: are the blooming honeysuckle the best it ever gets? They're great, plenty even, but it isn't always late spring after a few months of rain. I want to say I'm happy to be here. That's the goal. But maybe for now, just "here" is enough. 06/2020
When was the last time you fell in love? Do you remember the last time you told someone "I love you" for the first time? Did you want to say it over and over until it didn't scare you? I sort of hate being in love. I mean of course I love it, but I believe every 80s song that called it a drug. I've never done drugs but I understand them. I understand they make you think things your boring sober brain wouldn't normally. They impair your judgment. They take you high then crash you low in ways that don't overlap well with day-to-day. Of course I love being in love. Everything seems miraculous at 5 am when I'm not sure what I hate about them yet. And I can't wait to find out what I hate about them. I anticipate every first with a nervous excitement. I can't wait to see how they hurt me and if they can ever make it up. Of course they can. I hope they won't shatter me until I can't be glued back together, etc etc. Then I remember no one can hurt you without your permission - Eleanor Roosevelt but that isn't even the quote blah blah blah. I've tried love before but my tolerance for it is somehow brand new again. I've been looking for ways to shock myself. I got bored because I was boring and now it's all loud music and saying whatever I think. I'm trying to romanticize whatever's in my head. That hasn't really changed. The truth is I'd probably be the most fun drunk/drug addict ever. That's why I can't do it. I'm usually right on the edge of being WAY TOO MUCH and that's just on a Tuesday at 10 am. Anyway, this is all sort of self-aggrandizing, but I'm not above it. I know I'm nothing special but at the same time I'll never really think that. How else are we supposed to manage? Everyone is a mix of contradictions, in one second even. I'm constantly a funny balance between caring deeply and being nonchalant. I mostly care deeply about what I want and am nonchalant about all the rest of it. Or vice versa. I sometimes do have an urge to lose my mind and behave in the worst way possible, though you'd never know it by looking at me or talking to me. Even "worst" doesn't mean much to me because I don't know what my morals are. I never have. Someone could tell me they killed someone and I'd just think about it for a while. I wouldn't admonish them or have much of an opinion because if I was them I'd be them and do as they do. I'm just lucky I don't feel like killing anyone. Do you get that? Do you get that if your life is going well and you play nicely with reality it's just luck? Your genes, environment, anything anyone ever says to you - that's all just random so free will is an illusion. I get the impression people don't feel that as deeply as I do which is fine but at the same time very confusing to me. I like to say the insane things I think out loud. Usually people are pretty cool about it. |
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