I write (think?) a lot of unfinished poems and essays in my head. Sometimes I make notes on my phone. Most of the time I'm half asleep, and by the time I read it again, the thought is jumbled, not nearly as poetic to fully awake me.
Like the one from today about wind being the soul of earth (earth is the body) because wind is the force that moves so many things but nothing moves wind. I think our souls move our bodies like wind moves earth. Or this thought, typed into my notes on May 26th, 2016: "The words fall off the tip of my paintbrush into a portrait but it doesn't look like you. I can't actually paint but I thought I could use my words to turn you into art that couldn't change, art that could be referenced later before time changes your neurons and ages your cells" ended abruptly, no period, no sense of finality, because that's who I am as a person? Or because the potential of the thought might be soured by the finished product? I can't decipher some of the notes, like this one from May 13th, 2016: "the stars, her shoes, blurry finger" Some of them are inquisitive, like this one from January 8th, 2016: "Meaning linked to the spelling of words How can we understand words if we can't spell them" and a few of them I will finish, like this one from June 6th, 2016 "I wish it would rain in my soul I wish the metaphorical heavens would open up and collapse the walls Writer Sarah Kay said, 'rain will wash away everything if you let it.' But what if it won't rain?" These are the ones that make it into my phone, by random chance, selected out of the whirlpool of thoughts circling constantly around my mind. "Whirlpool of thoughts circling" sounds like an exaggeration but when I think about the image of my thoughts, I see the thoughts in a rapid circular movement, buoyed by their own force. Some don't survive the centripetal force and those thoughts are sucked down and forgotten. I think forgotten thoughts are as important as existing ones because their revoked existence allows room for new thoughts. It's the circle of thoughts made up of unfinished thoughts, forgotten thoughts, potential thoughts, and the most difficult for me: formed thoughts. I wish formed thoughts didn't count as much in communication with other people. I wish people could read this (from February 26th, 2016) "if you see something in a picture and don't know what it is, it's hard to look up" and understand the way my mind works without any further explanation. The formed thoughts scare me because of their finality.
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