I think humans exist because of rhythms.
Breathe in, out, in, out, in, out, not too fast, or your face might go numb, not too slow, or your heart rate will drop. Steady heart beat, lub dub, lub dub, to the beat of crickets that chirp outside at night. Circadian rhythm, the 24 hour clock, which keeps humans (and plants, and animals, and fungi, and cyanobacteria) in sync with earth. Loving you has become my latest rhythm. lub, love, dub, love, breathe in, love, breathe out, love, in sleep, love, awake, love. i haven't loved you since birth, but my body can't tell my love from my heartbeat, at least not anymore. And I didn't want to write about love, because everyone writes about love. Get creative, get away from the mostly undefinable, omnipresent force that most of us seek, find, feel, give, take, yearn for, get mad at, run away from, but always come back to- love. Before I said it, I used to tap it out on your arm, back, falling asleep, three taps for i love you. I can't do that anymore. It would take too many taps to express all the love and besides, maybe by now it's redundant and the tapping has turned to knocking on a locked door. I don't want to be bitter, am trying so hard not to be bitter, because if too many drops of bitterness touch love, it gets cloudy, ripples out from the first dark spot to the edges, ruins the quality. I don't want to breathe in love mixed with poison. When I think of letting go, every single time, I imagine the banksy graffiti with the little girl, hand outreached toward the balloon as it floats away. Only in my image, I'm tightly grasping the balloon. And now I understand why: my love for you is rhythm and i can't let my other rhythms stop, can't let my heart stop beating--if i was drowning i'd instinctively fight to rise above the water--and if earth didn't orbit the sun to completion once every 365 days then could life exist as we know it, would plants stop making oxygen, would hearts stop lub dubbing in sometimes perfect synchronicity with the crickets chirping outside, because the crickets would be affected too you know, and if crickets go extinct their deaths will impact entire ecosystems and the animal kingdom, and maybe loving me isn't your rhythm, maybe not now, maybe not ever but i think we can all agree that crickets matter.
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